Is All Crying Created Equal?
If you’re reading this, you’re likely asking yourself…
“How can I help my child sleep better?”
Whenever a mom asks me that, I read between the lines of what she’s asking.
The first unsaid part is, “so that I can get more sleep.”
Hey, it’s okay to have needs mama. Especially now that you have the most demanding and fulfilling job of your lifetime. You don’t need to feel guilty or selfish for wanting more sleep for yourself.
The second unsaid part is, “without making them cry it out”.
And that is the question I will be addressing in this post.
Is there such thing as a “no cry” sleep solution? In a word, no. Which is why we must dive in deeper to discuss the spectrum of crying and how each family can find the happy medium that they are most comfortable with, to help them get the sleep they all need.
For most parents, “Cry It Out” aka the extinction method, is a total dealbreaker. And I get that! I would never advise you to leave your child completely alone to cry themselves to sleep without any support or reassurance.
But on the opposite end of that spectrum is “do absolutely whatever it takes, all day and all night” to help them sleep, and that is also dealbreaker for many parents (me included!) because it’s simply not realistic in most situations. Whether it’s due to other children that also need your care, work obligations or a combination of both.
What if you asked yourself this question instead…
“How can I work on my perception of what it means to teach my child to sleep well?”
If you’re contemplating sleep training, it’s likely not because things are going well. You have the awareness that what you’re doing is not working. Every morning you wake up thinking to yourself, I can’t do this anymore. But then somehow, by that evening, you’re gearing up to do it all over again.
The vicious, sleep-deprived cycle continues, and the quality of your life and your parenting goes down along with your sleep.
But here’s what I want you to know:
A middle ground exists between “cry it out” and “no boundaries, anything goes”. This middle ground is where I camp out as a sleep consultant.
Here, two things are true:
Your child can sleep well without your constant support.
Your child can feel safe and secure while doing so.
One of the first questions I ask parents who share their sleep struggles with me during a free sleep chat is, “how does your child go to sleep at bedtime?”
Teaching your child to fall asleep initially at bedtime, without too much assistance from you, is where good sleep habits begin. (It’s not the only factor, but it’s a good place to start!)
So, what’s “too much assistance”? That’s really up to you! And that’s the beauty of it!
Even with a middle-of-the-road approach, you can lean more toward one side or the other, without going all the way in either direction. Where each family lands on that spectrum depends on the parent and the child. Each situation is unique!
I currently have a client who came to me with a bedsharing two-year-old. Her daughter needed to have her hands on mom’s chest in order to fall asleep. Mama was exhausted and touched out. She knew this was not going to be sustainable with a new baby on the way.
In just two weeks’ time, that same toddler now goes down happily in her crib, with the knowledge that her mama is going to be just outside her bedroom door in the hallway, (which she verifies by calling out a few times) before peacefully falling asleep within 10-15 minutes and sleeping soundly through the night.
And this is our end point because mom is happy with it! That level of assistance is plenty sustainable and that’s all that matters! If she wanted to push for more independence (which she doesn’t), it would involve some protesting.
And yes, “protesting” is the word sleep consultants often substitute for crying.
So, why do I refer to it as “protesting?” Am I trying to hide the fact that there will be some crying involved? Definitely not! I believe it’s very important to be transparent about that.
It’s because I want to help parents understand that not all crying is created equal.
Not all crying is dysregulation. Crying is communication. It can communicate anger, confusion, frustration. You can allow your little one to feel these feelings, and work through them, all while letting them know you are there for them.
I think pretty much all of us can agree that we would not leave our children alone to suffer. We always want to, and should, move toward the suffering and comfort them.
But what about struggle? That’s an individual decision that every parent must make for themselves.
Some parents do not want their children to suffer or struggle alone for any period of time. Other parents are comfortable with allowing their child to struggle for periods of time, with regular support and reassurance.
Is it okay to let them struggle? I think so.
Humans are hardwired for struggle. It makes us resilient, capable, confident and un-fragile. I want my children to be all of these things.
But how much support should I give, how long should I let them struggle, and when do I fix it for them?
There’s no right answer. There’s only the right answer for you and your child.
Support can look like staying in the room with them while they work on putting themselves to sleep. It can also look like coming and going. Some parents like the idea of staying in the room but then they realize how frustrating that is for their child, so they give them some space and it goes more smoothly. It often depends on the child’s age and temperament.
It’s important to remember that when your child is at an appropriate age to sleep train, they already have a secure attachment with you, their parent. Sleep training cannot and will not harm that attachment. Studies show this.
It is impossible for your securely attached child to feel abandoned by you, especially when you are either in the room with them or providing regular reassurance.
It’s also important to remember that just because there is crying involved, it doesn’t mean that your attachment to your child will be affected. If anything, it will improve when you are both sleeping well!
As far as how long to let them struggle, the goal is always to make that period of time as short as possible by setting them up for success! This means creating the ideal environment for sleep, having them on an age-appropriate schedule and establishing consistent routines.
While I can’t give you an exact length of time as every child is different, I can assure you it’s never the “hours and hours” that you might be imagining.
The vibe is, “I know you are capable of doing this yourself, and I’m going to be here to support you while you figure out how.”.
It’s okay to say this to your toddler! When it comes to babies, they don’t understand your words, but they do understand your energy.
And sometimes, we absolutely will swoop in and fix it for them! I’m thinking of the 5-month-old baby who has rolled onto their belly and is upset because they can’t roll back. You should help them out by flipping them back over, doing it for them until they figure out how to do it for themselves (with lots of practice during the day). This is a short phase every baby goes through.
There are a lot of nuances when it comes to sleep training.
As parents, most of us believe there are only two camps to be in and the space between those camps is so vast (social media doesn’t help with this).
But I believe that we can find a comfort zone somewhere in the middle. We can know that while crying is a part of the process, it’s only a protest to the change we are making, and it is short term. The long-term results of the whole family getting the rest they need will be beautiful and beneficial for everyone involved.
If you are feeling desperate for help when it comes to sleep, but you feel judged by all of the strong opinions on either side of the issue, I am ready to meet you in the middle.
Check out my sleep coaching packages for a plan that is personalized to you and your child.