Extinction Bursts: Why Sleep Training Can Get Worse Before It Gets Better
If you’re planning on addressing your little one’s sleep exhausting sleep habits, I want to prepare you for something.
It’s possible that things are going to get worse before they get better.
For a baby, this might mean a night or two of more intense protesting at bedtime. And for a toddler, it might mean more like four or five.
This shouldn’t come as a big surprise. If you have a child that doesn’t sleep well (or independently), you’ve probably already established an elaborate routine to get them to sleep at bedtime. It’s usually a combination of feeding, popping in a pacifier, rocking, bouncing, getting them settled in your arms, and transferring them into their crib at the exact right moment.
Why? Because if you try to do it any other way, your child is going to cry. And if you don’t give in, they’re going to cry even louder and harder. It’s a common response to behavior modification known as an extinction burst.
An extinction burst occurs when a behavior that has been previously reinforced suddenly stops being reinforced.
In other words, when a child is used to receiving a certain response or reward for a particular behavior, and that response or reward is suddenly removed, the child will increase the intensity and frequency of that behavior to get what they want.
In the case of a baby, it could be the rocking, bouncing, or nursing to sleep that they’re accustomed to. In the case of a toddler, it could be a parent lying next to them or being allowed into their parent’s bed.
(Stay tuned to the end of this post for a couple of real-life case studies from my client files to help you see the practical application of this information.)
Extinction bursts can occur in a variety of situations, not just sleep training. Night weaning, ditching the pacifier, and cutting the bedtime bottle from your toddler’s bedtime routine to name a few.
They can be particularly challenging for parents to navigate, as it can be difficult to tell if your child is seeking attention or if they’re genuinely in distress. Likely, it’s a bit of both.
However, it’s important to understand that extinction bursts are a normal part of a child’s development and are not a sign that something’s wrong. No one is suggesting you ignore your child, but you will have to allow them to struggle with not getting the respond or reward they are used to.
Remember, there’s a difference between making your child cry and allowing them to cry.
So, how can parents cope with these bedtime extinction bursts?
One word. Consistency.
If you have decided that a particular behavior is no longer acceptable or that a particular reward will no longer be offered, it’s crucial to stick to that decision and not give in to your child’s increased efforts to elicit the desired response.
This is easier said than done, I know. The increased intensity of your child’s protesting is going to be stressful and occasionally overwhelming, but it is important to remain calm and consistent. You’re still going to respond to them, just not in the way they are wanting you to.
Get your partner involved or call in the support team, whether it’s your parents, your in-laws, your friends, or a professional sleep consultant, so that you have support if things become too much for you.
As tough as things may get, don’t forget this one important fact. Extinction bursts are temporary. Good sleep habits are not. Once you’ve come out the other side of this experience, you can look forward to years of peaceful bedtimes and your little one sleeping soundly through the night.
