Eight Tips for Easing Separation Anxiety

As a sleep consultant, I see this all the time from parents who just want to know, “is this normal?”

One thing that causes a lot of concern for parents is separation anxiety; that oh-so-challenging part of a child’s life when they start to completely flip their lid whenever Mom (or dad) is not around. The thought process, it would appear, is one of... “My favorite person is not in the room, they must be somewhere else.  I would prefer to be there with them. Make that happen, or I will throw the most epic tantrum until you do.”

And those tantrums leave us, as parents, to wonder, “Am I doing something wrong? After all, a well-adjusted child should probably feel reasonably safe when they’re separated from their parents for a little while, shouldn’t they?

They hear Beth from the office says her baby is perfectly content being left with her sitter. And that one mom in the local mom group on Facebook said that her toddler will happily play by herself, and even takes her toys to her room occasionally in order to get a little ‘me’ time. 🙄

Two things to keep in mind:

First, never compare yourself, or your child, to someone else who is most likely conveying their experiences dishonestly, or at the very least, through rose-colored lenses. Second, separation anxiety is completely normal, expected, and a sign of a healthy attachment between parent and child.

So, what is it, exactly? Separation anxiety typically starts to occur around 6-8 months of age and there are several peaks throughout the infant and toddler years. It all starts when your little one starts to realize that things continue to exist, even when they’re not in sight. It’s a cognitive milestone known as “object permanence” which is defined as, “the understanding that objects continue to exist even when they cannot be observed.” In other words, out of sight no longer means out of mind.

This realization, for a baby or young child, is cause for full-blown tantrum. While it’s unpleasant, and even a little heart breaking, it’s normal and natural. In fact, it’s a sign that your little one is learning, and that they have a secure attachment to their parent.

Awesome.

But, as many of us know, it can make sleep situations an absolute nightmare, especially when the goal for our child is independent sleep.

But what we really want to know is, “How do I prevent it?”

Well, the truth is, you probably wouldn’t want to if you could. I mean, really, wouldn’t you be just a little devastated if you left your child and they were just completely OK with it?!” That would actually be significantly more troubling than some tears and tantruming.

But we obviously want to keep things at a happy medium, and if you’re struggling with a child who’s pitching an absolute fit every time you try to leave them to fall asleep on their own, here are some suggestions to take the edge off until this phase passes (and it will).

1. Lead by Example

Your little one follows your cues, so if you’re not willing to let them out of your sight, they probably (unconsciously) feel like they’re not safe if you’re not in the room. Designate a room where they can explore a little and play without your direct supervision. It’s a small adjustment, but it has a tremendous effect.

2. Don’t Avoid It

Separations and reunions are a part of life, so don’t just take the path of least resistance and stay with your child 24/7 until they’re seven years old. Let them know that it’s okay for them to get upset when you leave and reassure them that you’ll always come back when you do. If there are some tears around it, that’s alright. This is an important concept that they need to get on board with.

3. Start Slow.

Once your little one has started to demonstrate the understanding that they’ll be spending some time with someone besides their parent or preferred person, make it a short outing. Don’t plan on dinner and a movie or an overnighter for the first few attempts.

4. Stick Around for a While.

After your sitter, parent, friend, or whoever is watching your little one arrives, plan to hang around for a half hour or so. Seeing that this is someone you’re familiar with will go a long way in reassuring your child that they’re “good people” and worthy of their trust. When it comes to daycare, it’s fantastic if you’re able to arrange to visit with them for a short period of time. That way when you do drop them off on their first day, they have already been acquainted with the faces and spaces (it doesn’t mean they won’t get upset when you leave, but it’s still helpful).

5. Face the Music.

Many of us have, at least once, attempted to distract our toddlers and then sneak out the door without saying goodbye. After all, it’s the goodbye that provokes the reaction, right? But even if it provokes some tears, it’s important for your child to understand that you’re going to leave sometimes, and that you’ll be back when you say you will.

6. Establish a Routine

Much like bedtime, a solid, predictable goodbye routine helps your little one recognize and accept the situation. A set number of kisses and hugs, a memorable key phrase, and a clear indication of when you’ll be back should be just the right balance of short and reassuring.

7. Speak in Terms They’ll Understand.

Instead of telling them how long you’ll be gone, tell them when you’ll be back in regard to their schedule. After nap time, before bed, after dinner, before bath time, and so on. Nothing is going to prevent your child from getting a little bit upset when you leave, but this can help keep the fuss to a minimum.

8. Read ‘The Invisible String’ (for toddlers)

This is a wonderful book for helping your little one overcome separation anxiety. Perfect for anytime but especially if you’re child is experiencing a peak in separation. Get it here.

I should add here that these techniques are suggested for kids who are dealing with ordinary, everyday separation anxiety. There is also a condition called Separation Anxiety Disorder which is obviously more serious and warrants a trip to your pediatrician if you suspect your little one might be afflicted with it. But for run-of-the-mill tantrums when you try to leave the house or the room, these tips should go a long way towards remedying the problem.

Be consistent, supportive, assertive, and calm. Before long, your child will understand the concept of you leaving and coming back.