Motherhood and the Myth of Perfect Baby Sleep

Six Practical Tips for Easing Anxiety

As a mother, it's natural to want the best for your child - including their sleep, especially if you've worked hard to create good sleep habits and are recovering some of your sleep debt. But what happens when you start striving for the unattainable "perfect" sleep for your baby? This is something I often warn my clients about before we wrap up sleep coaching together.

Sleep perfectionism can sneak into a new mother's life, turning the normal irregularities of a baby's sleep schedule into a source of anxiety.

The quest for perfect baby sleep can lead to an increased stress level, and leave moms feeling anxious. Instead of relaxing into a cup of tea and a well-deserved break during nap time, some moms are nervous the whole time, watching the clock, and fretting if the nap isn't exactly as long as it's “supposed” to be.

In reality, there's no such thing as perfect sleep, we all have our good nights and bad. Sometimes we easily take a well earned nap, and sometimes we struggle to get to sleep. Understanding this can be the first step in freeing yourself from the shackles of sleep perfectionism.

Here are some strategies that can help.

1. Understand the Sleep Pattern of Infants

Newborns don't start following a regular sleep-wake cycle until they're about 3 months old. They need time to develop their own circadian rhythms. Recognize that irregular sleep is perfectly normal for babies in the first few months of life, and it doesn't reflect your competency as a mother. After the newborn stage you do have the ability to shape your little one’s sleep, but even then, there are going to be sleep regressions related to developmental milestones that you have no control over.

2. Create a Consistent Bedtime Routine

While you can’t teach your baby to sleep, you CAN teach your baby the sequence of events that leads up to sleep. Babies thrive on routines. A soothing and predictable bedtime ritual signals to your baby that it's time to wind down and sleep. This can involve a warm bath, a lullaby or bedtime story, a sleep sack, etc. There’s no “perfect” routine. Consistency is what’s most important, along with a safe, soothing environment that encourages sleep.

3. Learn the Art of the "Pause"

A technique suggested by many baby sleep experts, including myself, is the "pause." Studies show that delaying nighttime responses by only 3 minutes increases baby’s ability to self soothe by 12 months of age – even without any sleep training! When your baby wakes or stirs, instead of rushing in, pause first. Babies will often fall back to sleep on their own. Getting into this habit from day one can help them develop self-soothing skills and reduce sleep-related anxiety for you.

4. Limit Screen Time for Babies

Blue light from electronic screens can interfere with your baby's sleep-wake cycle. Try to limit your baby's exposure to screens, including your phone, especially close to bedtime and during middle-of-the-night wakings. Remember, mama, the blue light makes it harder for you to get back to sleep too. Instead, try to be present in the moment.

5. Make the Time for Simple Self-Care

I’m not going to insult you by telling you to take a bubble bath, as though you wouldn’t love to if you had the free time. As a mother, competing priorities are a real challenge. But the truth remains that taking care of a baby is demanding. To be the mom you want to be, you must take care of yourself too. Self-care can include simple activities like a short walk, leaning your back against the wall and taking 5 deep breaths when you’re feeling overwhelmed, a moment of mindfulness or my personal favorite, putting down the remote control and going to bed early. When you're calm and relaxed, it's easier to cope with sleep disturbances without escalating into anxiety.

6. Get Support

Connecting with other mothers who are experiencing similar challenges can be comforting. It's also a great way to share experiences and realize that you’re not alone. But you may also recognize that you’re not being a perfectionist, and that your little one’s sleep really is unmanageable. It's okay to ask for help from a trusted sleep professional.

Striving for perfect sleep for your baby can easily slip into sleep perfectionism, which only amplifies stress and anxiety. It's important to understand that perfection is a myth - in sleep and in motherhood. You're doing a great job even if your baby's sleep isn't perfect.

Break free from the perfectionism trap, and you'll find a lot more joy in motherhood!