What To Do When You’re the Preferred Parent at Bedtime
It’s hard to say which is worse; being the preferred parent or being the “rejected” parent.
The former leaves you feeling burnt out and resentful, and the latter makes you feel a bit hurt and helpless.
I have talked to countless moms who tell me the same story. They’ve done every single bedtime for the last however many months (or years!) and they just want a break. But their child loses it if dad tries to take over.
Or it could be the other way around! Most commonly, it’s mom they prefer but not always! It really depends on your unique situation and family dynamics.
Either way, know that this is completely normal and healthy. As our babies grow into young toddlers, they want to assert their independence! They want to make their opinion known. The blue cup NOT the green one! This book not that one! These pajamas! And finally, MOMMY NOT DADDY!
So, what’s a parent to do? You want to allow your toddler some autonomy, but you also want a freaking night off!!
#1 Don’t Take It Personally
It’s not about how much they love you. They’re just learning about their ability to make decisions and testing their limits as far as what they can and cannot decide. It’s a perfectly natural phase (everything is a phase) and you should never withhold affection from them just because they’re making clear their preference for the other parent over you.
#2 Spread the Love Around
If you’re the “chosen one” at the moment, make a point to allow your partner to be in charge of some of the more fun parenting activities. Whether that’s a trip to the park or bath time (if you child loves bath). If they always associate the activities they enjoy with one parent, try to balance it out when schedules allow. Let the other parent shine!!
#3 Get Out of the Way.
It always kills me a bit when parents tell me that their toddler “makes me put them to bed” (instead of allowing the other parent to). Your child is not in charge! What you mean when you say “they make me” is that you cannot handle the discomfort you feel when they protest and so you give in. You can absolutely allow them to make their preference known and you should acknowledge how they feel.
“I know you want mommy to put you to bed tonight, but it’s daddy’s turn! It will be my turn tomorrow. “
But ultimately, it’s your decision as the parent – not theirs. Once those tables get turned, there’s trouble. Yes, they may get upset. But if you’ve made the decision that dad is going to be in charge of bedtime tonight then the decision stands. Don’t hover and try to “control” it. Go for a walk. Get out of the house. Yes, they will escalate at the initial separation but once you’re out of sight, you’re out of mind. They will come around, I promise! Even if it takes a few nights.
#4 Shift The Blame
Cut out small pictures of you and your partner. Post a calendar in their room and use Velcro dots to show your child each day who will be doing bedtime that night. I’m not a huge craft person but you get the idea, make it your own creation! You could also use a picture frame that is easy to change out the picture. If it’s dad’s night, the frame should show a picture of daddy and vice versa.
What this does is it takes the heat off you. The calendar is the authority. If it shows a picture of mommy then it’s mommy. Your toddler will quickly learn that whether they protest or not, it won’t change. In time, they will get excited about checking to see which parent is doing bedtime that night!
#5 Create a New Ritual
If you’re doing bedtime and are currently the “non-preferred” parent you do not need to feel obligated to do things the exact same way as your partner! Yes, the bedtime routine should have the same consistent steps. But there’s plenty of room to improvise and make it unique to you! You child will learn to enjoy bedtime with either parent because each brings something special to the table.
#6 Play Dumb
This is one of my favorite tips and I’ve used it more and more with my toddlers in many situations. Using humor is a great way to diffuse a tantrum. If they’re asking for the other parent, after acknowledging them and restating the boundary, distract them by acting like you don’t know how to do the bedtime routine and you need their help. “What’s next? How do we do that? Can you show me?” This is a great option if you have a flare for acting and being silly and is a great way to end the day in a fun way.
You do have the freedom to step away from bedtime, even if you’re the preferred parent. I hope this helped you feel empowered to do so and has given you some ideas to help it go more smoothly!