How to Know When the Pacifier is a Problem
In this post I’m talking all about the Paci, Binky, Soother, Whatever-You-Call-It.
Many parents assume that if they hire a sleep consultant, they will make them get rid of their child’s pacifier. Not so!
Have I suggested to families that it’s time to say “sayonara!” to the paci? Absolutely, yes I have. But only after I’ve identified that it’s become a problem.
So, when are pacifiers a problem?
#1 When they become an external sleep prop.
A sleep prop is something your child uses to help them fall asleep. An external sleep prop is something your child uses to help them fall asleep - that they do for themselves.
Sleep props range from nursing or feeding, being rocked, a hand on the chest, a parent lying next to them, and yes, that arm that oh-so-reliably reaches into the crib to reinsert a pacifier for a child.
In sleep training, we want to remove these externalities and replace them with independent sleep skills.
But let’s back up quickly and discuss newborns. Obviously. a newborn needs help reinserting their pacifier and that is a different story. You should absolutely encourage your newborn baby to take a pacifier as they are unable to self-soothe. Sucking is one of Dr. Harvey Karp’s “5 S’s” (ways to soothe a crying baby).
Some newborns will not take to a pacifier, and that’s okay, honestly it saves you some potential problems down the road. Perhaps they will prefer to suck on their fingers or their sleeve.
So, even while the American Academy of Pediatrics does recommend pacifier use up until 6 months of age, you don’t need to panic if you simply can’t get your newborn to take one. It’s fine. What’s the phrase? “Do your best and forget the rest.” That applies here.
By the time I am working with a family, their child is at least 5 months old. At this point, if the child is using a pacifier, I give the parents the option to ditch it now or at attempt to keep it if that’s what they prefer.
For many babies, it’s not an issue. They may fall asleep with the pacifier in their mouth but at some point, once they are in deep sleep, it pops out and they do fine without it the rest of the night. No need to fix what isn’t broken.
But if your baby is falling asleep with a pacifier in their mouth and then waking up throughout the night upset and immediately trying to locate it, it is best to teach them how to fall asleep (and stay asleep) without it.
Age is usually the biggest factor here.
A very young baby is not likely to be successful locating their pacifier and reinserting in themselves. And if they’re relying on you to do that for them, then what was the point of sleep training? You’re still having to help them get back to sleep, even if it only takes a minute to get out of bed and reinsert it for them, that is very disruptive to your sleep and theirs.
However, the “scatter technique” will usually work well for older babies. This is where you put a handful of pacifiers in their crib, scattered up around their head, thereby increasing the chance that they’ll be able to find one in the night when they need it. If they are able to do this themselves, then that works! This is something you can practice with your baby during the day, like during tummy time! (Side note: glow in the dark pacifiers are genius).
If you’ve tried to keep the pacifier, but you’re still finding yourself playing “pacifier ping-pong” with your child, going in and out of their room all night or early in the morning to give them back their prop, then it’s time to ditch it.
With babies, the best way to go is simply cold turkey. One day there are pacifiers, the next day they are gone! Poof!
All clear on that one? Okay, let’s move on to the next reason you may want to think about ditching the dummy.
#2 When The Way They Use It Starts to Change…and Not for the Better.
This applies to my own current situation with my twin toddlers who, as I write this, will be turning two at the end of this month. I did not get rid of their pacifiers when they were young babies because it simply wasn’t an issue.
But lately I’ve been noticing that they are becoming more reliant on their pacifiers. It’s very common for one-year-olds, at some point, to become increasingly attached to any lingering sleep props. (This is why I recommend weaning from the bottle after the first birthday and having the bedtime bottle completely gone by 15 months at the latest).
What was once a casual “I like you” relationship with their pacifiers has quickly turned into an OBSESSION.
Whereas it used to be easy to take them away during awake time, they are now very reluctant to give them up. Even if they’re not sucking on them, they want to hold them in their hands.
Their pacifiers have become an emotional support item.
So, is that a bad thing? If you ask me, yeah!
I don’t want them relying on this prop anytime they are feeling minorly stressed or insecure. I want them to learn how to cope in other ways, helping them to be emotionally resilient little kiddos!
Sure, if they get stung by a bee (that happened yesterday) or something very upsetting happens, I don’t mind giving them a pacifier to help them soothe themselves.
The first step I’m taking is to leave their pacifiers in their cribs at all times. They are only to be used for sleep (and maybe the the occassional owie). This is a gradual way of weaning them off of it if you don’t want to go completely cold turkey, though that is an option as well.
Another sign that your toddler’s pacifier use has become problematic is when they start chucking it out of their crib, usually at bedtime. They toss it out, you give it back, they toss it out, you give it back.
Now it’s a game and they are controlling you. In these situations, if a client isn’t ready to ditch it yet, I will tell them that they can return the pacifier one time. But no more. Their toddler will learn real quick.
Let’s say you’ve determined the pacifier is a problem. What now?
First, make sure it’s a good time to make this change. If you didn’t ditch the pacifier when they were an infant, the next best time is when you’re ready to drop the last nap (sometime around age 3), or anytime it becomes a problem.
Why wait until they’re ready to drop their nap? Because ditching the pacifier can lead to a temporary sleep regression, especially at nap time. So, if you don’t want to mess with naps and the pacifier isn’t an issue, it’s okay to keep it a bit longer.
But you need to consider more than just their age and their nap.
This is a big transition for a toddler, so you want to make sure you don’t do it at the same time as another big transition such as moving into a new home, welcoming a new sibling, starting daycare, etc.
Either get rid of the pacifier well before one of these big changes, or after they’ve had time to adjust to whatever the new situation is.
How to do it:
I’m a big fan of the “Garbage Truck Goodbye!” or the “Paci Fairy”.
My oldest was obsessed with garbage trucks. Garbage day was a weekly holiday in our house. When it came time to transition away from the pacifier, I leaned into this.
With his help, we gathered up all the pacifiers in the house. This is EXTREMELYE IMPORTANT! Don’t leave one hiding in the cupboard, just in case things get tough. Expect that things will get tough, for a very short time (a night or two), and you don’t want to tempt yourself.
Then we went outside and threw away all of the pacifiers in the big garbage can. We did this the morning of garbage day. Then we rolled the garbage can to the curb, sat on the front porch, and waited…
When the garbage truck came by, we waved goodbye to the paci’s! By doing it this way, we always had that moment to refer back to when he cried for his paci, “The garbage truck took them away, remember?”
For a while after that, whenever he saw a garbage truck, he would say “pa!” and we’d affirm that yes, the garbage truck took his paci’s away while praising him for what a big boy he was!
This worked well for us, but the “Paci Fairy” is an even more popular option.
You go through the same process of gathering up the pacifiers and then putting them in some sort of box or bag to leave out on the front step.
Talk to your toddler about how they are such a big boy/girl who doesn’t need a paci anymore, but there are babies who don’t have paci’s! Explain that the "Paci Fairy” is going to pick up our pacifiers and bring them to the babies who need them, and in exchange she will leave a gift!
One reason I prefer this method, which I didn’t think of as a first-time parent, is that you can do it between nap and bedtime. With the garbage truck, we got rid of the pacifiers in the morning and had to go into nap time without it.
It still worked out fine. But typically, your child will adjust to the initial change more quickly when it’s at bedtime. This is simply because there is more working in your favor at bedtime (hormones, sleep pressure, etc).
When your child is distracted, or maybe out for an errand with the other parent, replace the pacifiers with a new special toy! This could be a stuffed animal or if they already have a lovey they’re attached to, any tangible item will do. Again, you will have this item to refer back to when they want their paci. “Remember, the paci fairy took them away and brought you this toy instead!”
Bonus points if you sprinkle the doorstep with glitter or confetti!
I’ve also had clients who had their toddler help them bury their pacifiers in the flower garden and then later on when they went back to check, there were cake pops that “grew” and a special toy!
Don’t forget to throw away the pacifiers in the big garbage can so you won’t be tempted. Better yet, find a dumpster!
What To Expect:
If your child was already sleeping independently, and the pacifier was their last lingering sleep prop, then you can expect a minor sleep regression while they adjust. Stay consistent and your good little sleeper will bounce right back!
If your child does not have independent sleep skills yet, you can either begin sleep training on the same night as the paci fairy or you can wait a few nights. Many parents choose the latter option so that the change is less drastic.
But you will want to sleep train soon after. What’s the point of removing one sleep prop if there are others? The most common sleep prop of a toddler is a parent lying next to them.
Need help with the sleep training part? That’s what my 1:1 Coaching Packages are for!
I promise you, your anticipation of this transition is worse than the reality of it. That can be said for getting rid of the pacifier and sleep training alike.